Attorney in Recovery - Lily Shanks

My guest today is Recovering Attorney Lily Lily was my guest on the episode which came out on May 6th – its already had 2,000 downloads and we had some great feedback from that one – if you missed it then have a listen to Lily sharing her story here Lily is a coach these days and one of the things that she helps people with is Relationship Coaching so today we’re going to focus on Sober Dating If your romantic relationships have always been lubricated with alcohol then this could be a skill you’ll need in your toolkit as you build your alcohol free life In this episode:- Lily’s full drinking story can be found on our previous episode which came out in May but she gave us a summary She began her drinking career as a teenager and it continued during her legal career. She became a daily drinker, frequently drinking alone and experiencing blackouts At 37 she reached rock bottom – in fact as she says in her previous interview she had a series of rock bottoms, one of which involved drinking alone in her apartment all weekend She felt hopeless, useless and miserable and finally reached out for some help Reaching out for help is actually the hardest step of all - so if you’re worried about your drinking then reach out to tribe sober today – just go to tribesober.com and hit join our tribe and we’ll show you how to quit drinking and build an alcohol free life you love So Lily got sober in 2018 and she’s been sober ever since – if you want to hear how she did it catch the previous episode As we switched to talking about relationships Lily explained that she’d been shy as a child so as a teenager alcohol helped her to fit in – to feel part of things It helped her to feel prettier, funnier and more vivacious, especially around men As she got older alcohol would always be a major player in her relationships She would drink before the date… which often took place in a bar If her dates didn’t drink like she did then that could be a problem Lily believed that alcohol made everything a bit brighter, a bit easier and less awkward – she just couldn’t imagine her life without it She certainly couldn’t imagine dating without it! During her first year of sobriety she didn’t date at all She believed the advice she had heard about focusing on sobriety and avoiding any major life changes during that first year. Major life changes like changing jobs, moving house and of course starting a new relationship Lily had to focus on learning to love and look after herself before she would be in an emotional state to look after someone else She had the insight that she had been using men a bit like she’s been using alcohol – the highs of a new relationship giving her a dopamine hit and making her feel good just like alcohol did As Lily moved into her second year of sobriety she went on her first sober date She knew the guy, they both liked and respected each other and they had things in common Although that relationship didn’t develop into anything serious Lily felt proud of herself – proud that she had shown up as a very different person By this point she felt so much clearer about who she was, what she wanted and what kind of person she was looking for We talked about the risk of relationships between people in recovery and how they can crash and burn The common struggle may create a bond which means you feel that you’ve found your soulmate but it makes sense for you both to get that year of sobriety first to avoid any risk of relapse We talked about the dangers of cross addiction and how we can transfer our love affair with alcohol to food or shopping or sex I asked Lily how a sober person should start looking for a new relationship once they had completed their first alcohol free year Apparently there are sober dating apps/websites – in fact a quick google search came up with a list of 8 sober dating apps which I’ll add to the shownotes https://resurgencebehavioralhealth.com/blog/8-best-sober-apps-for-people-in-recovery/ Although Lily met some