Why Triggers and Defensiveness Derail Communication (Part 3)

Why do the same arguments keep happening — even when you know better?

In Part 3 of our communication series, relationship therapists Tarah and EJ Kerwin break down what’s really happening underneath conflict: emotional triggers, nervous system hijacking, and defensiveness. These are the moments when logic disappears, your partner feels like the enemy, and small issues turn into big ruptures.

In this episode, we explain why triggers are not character flaws — they’re internal emotional alarms — and how understanding your triggers can help you slow reactivity, reduce damage, and repair more quickly. You’ll learn how to recognize when you’re out of your window of tolerance, how your body signals activation, and how old wounds and core beliefs get activated in present-day relationships.

We also walk through one of the core tools we use with couples: a step-by-step process to understand triggers, identify automatic thoughts and feelings, and reconnect in a more open-hearted, regulated way.

This episode isn’t about never being triggered.

It’s about learning repairable communication — so conflict becomes a pathway to deeper understanding instead of disconnection.

In This Episode, We Cover:

• What emotional triggers actually are (and what they are not)
• Why defensiveness escalates conflict so quickly
• How triggers hijack the nervous system
• Signs you’re outside your window of tolerance
• The connection between triggers, unmet needs, and core beliefs
• How to slow down reactivity in the moment
• A practical framework for understanding and repairing after conflict
• Why healthy relationships aren’t trigger-free — they’re repair-focused

Resources & Support

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Have a communication pattern you’re stuck in or a question about validation or listening?

Email us at [email protected] — we’d love to hear from you.

If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you love or leave a review. It helps other couples find support and hope.

As always: take care of yourself, and take care of each other.

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