On Today's Show: 1) Brad Carter Prank-Crimes… featuring “Tim Henson from Distorted View” Snow Plow Show Ep. 889: “The Dings Are Never Ending.” Brad keeps name-dropping Tim during fake “dinged your car” calls in Cincinnati, alleging Tim was handcuffed to a side mirror and tried to Slim-Jim a car for loose change. Callers threaten lawsuits ; Brad doubles down by repeating “ Tim Henson… Distorted View .” Tim’s take: thanks(?) for the promo, but also: I’M NOT INVOLVED, YOUR HONOR. (Tim will link the Snow Plow Show episode in the post.) Bank calls cops on a kid trying to cash a $7,000 check ; says a guy named “Cuba” mailed it. Can’t recall the company, deletes the DMs, sudden nausea on command, asks if he’s going to jail (answer: probably ). Charged with passing a forged check ; $5,000 bond . Tim’s verdict: Steven Seagal-tier acting. Furious rant about people pasting faces onto his body and vice versa; threats, sputters, and accusations of garden-hose bum play (denied). Tim: “Strong words from a very agitated Stephen.” Fake-news pop desk: Taylor’s album “The Life of a Showgirl” includes a cheeky track “Wood.” Tim premieres his parody earworm: “Good Wood.” Lyrical themes: Redwoods, keys opening thighs, ‘amatized’ ( allegedly ). Additional faux-feud gossip with Charli XCX (tongue-in-cheek). UK case: James Beckett (38) abducts two kids for 18 hours , forcing chants like “We are safe / We love Jesus.” Rants about 13 months in a year, energy protection ; strands them in rural Devon after running out of gas. Recognized from a police appeal; arrested; later pleads guilty . Sentence: 12 months (serve ~40%), 5-year restraining order . Dyslexic fireman ironically starts a fire . Tim dusts off the Access Entertainment Hollywood News Insider Report Extra Edition stinger (RIP half the celeb list). Today’s hotline is basically Unicorn Hamster FM : 80s video store nostalgia: “Video Dimensions / Video Haven / Video Paradise” vs. Tim’s Starlight Video (no porn room!). Gaming future & VR porn: Cartridges dying? AR glasses if they stop looking like bug-eyed ski masks . Tim’s Meta Quest collects dust—except for that one demo with Lord Douche. Chinese buffet field report: authentic background muzak . Self-promo king: Unicorn Hamster reminds the Discord he’s posted lingerie pics (uh… join responsibly). Rando caller scolds Unicorn; Unicorn calls again. (Circle of life.) 2) Bodycam Gold: “I Work for an Alarm Company… I Don’t Have a Job”3) Stephen Dawson vs. The Photoshoppers4) Tay-Tay’s “Good Wood” (Satire, calm down, Swifties)5) Bizarre Crime: “We Love Jesus” Kidnapper SentencedQuickiesCommunity & Voicemails
