Based Camp: The Logistics of Consensual Non-Consent Orgies

Aella's writeup on how her consensual nonconsent orgies work: https://aella.substack.com/p/how-my-consensual-nonconsent-orgies

Aella's Twitter: https://twitter.com/aella_girl

Aella's website: https://knowingless.com/

Aella's surveys: https://knowingless.com/survey/In this podcast episode, Malcolm and Simone delve into an eye-opening discussion with Aella, an acclaimed sexuality researcher and the foremost expert on consensual non-consent (CNC) parties. This conversation navigates the boundaries of sexual research, societal perceptions, consent, and safety measures while exploring the underbelly of CNC parties. Tune in to gain unprecedented insights into a world that seldom sees the light of day, and find out what really happens when safety meets desire in an unconventional setting.

Malcolm: [00:00:00] We are so excited for our guest today, Aella because, , we have such a beef with the existing academic and research system, and for us, you are this shining light of a genuine alternative to the system, , another thing we've talked about on the podcast is how we rate it.

Malcolm: Genuine intelligence from our cultural perspective. And the idea that you are out there doing research, not for remuneration, you didn't get into it for anything like that. You just did it because you loved it. And it was really cool to see. But for people who don't know Ayla, she is probably the most.

Malcolm: Advanced sexuality researcher in the world. As people who wrote a bestselling book on sexuality, I'm saying that and she is somebody who really does a lot of, pretty groundbreaking research into the way humans think,

Malcolm: the first question for this one is . So there's this perception of society of these secretive groups of like [00:01:00] elite people who host sex parties where nefarious things happen. Yeah.

Simone: I'll set this. scene because it always shows up in my gossipy girly shows where one of the protagonists ends up at this mansion where everyone is wearing masks and black and you know, they, they walk in and there's candles everywhere and it seems super evil and they're handed a glass of champagne and then just like people are like, they're just going to start.

Simone: It's just suggested that like a bunch of people are going to either start having sex or are having sex or end up getting murdered or something. Yeah.

Malcolm: Yeah. , and there's this famous Twitter thread of you about a consensual non consent party. You're having them where it's like had a torture buffet.

Malcolm: And if anyone in the world understands the logistics of actually putting one of these together, what that's like, what you're thinking about when you're doing it, what you have to make sure doesn't go wrong. I am just so fascinated to hear about this.

Aella: Thanks, guys. Great, great to be here. I'm [00:02:00] so happy to be on your podcast.

Aella: Wait, yeah, to be clear, the torture parties are a separate thing from the non con parties. Yes. CNC. I'm going to call it CNC. I do have them. There's no sex going on at the torture parties. It's just like another logistical thing to throw into the mix. And oh yeah, the CNC parties are basically you come in and you wear like wristbands that indicate what you're open to having happen.

Aella: And you operate within certain, like, bounds of accepted norms. So there's like a list of things that you can do to somebody if they have the wristband on, and then if the person wants to make exceptions, they wear like a badge, and you have to read that badge before you engage with them, stuff like that.

Simone: So wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. This is sounding very similar to me to whitewater rafting. Like in my, in my teenage years I did a lot of whitewater rafting, my dad and my sister were river guides. And before going rafting, you had to like stop everyone and have a safety talk about how the life jackets worked, what would happen if your boat wrapped, wrapped around a rock, how to paddle [00:03:00] correctly.

Simone: Like, do you have a safety talk before these

Aella: begin? Yeah, we have, we have to arrive mandatorily on time before the doors. Close because it's required that everybody is there for the opening circle and the opening circle to go over the rules again in your invite. When you come to the event, you have to read the rules.

Aella: And then when you enter the door, you sign a waiver that explains again, what you're getting into and that you understand and are agreeing to this. And then we sit you down and we explain it all again, just to make really sure that you understand what's happening. And then we go through the list of things you can do, can't do, like the, the orientations to the space.

Aella: We explain like how to use some of like the toys and the tools the norms again we do exercises where you have to, and it's like, it's like, I hate exercises at the beginning of things, but like, I think it's good still, and we just want to be really. over the top. So we have people pair off and the name of the party is red means no.

Aella: So basically the thing is you get to say no and have people ignore that, but we replaced the word [00:04:00] no with the word red. So, so you just practice saying no and having that ignored and being able to ignore another people. And then you practice saying the word red and having people instantly respect that.

Aella: I just basically like retrain intuitively what that's like. So you're like, you touch somebody and then you say, don't do that. No, you can like experiment different ways. Like, no. And then you say red and they have to immediately respect it. So we don't do like actual like structured practice to make sure that everybody like understands what they're getting into.

Malcolm: What I love about this. It is so different than what is pictured as to what these parties are. It's like a bunch of safety seminars. Now we've got to act it out to make sure we don't go too far, but it makes a lot of sense. How do you think about when you're thinking who to invite to these, how do you vet them?

Malcolm: Because you know, if you're, if you're bringing some, I guess you have to ask for recommendations or.

Aella: Yeah, we've it's it's still like relatively new we're throwing in maybe like one or two a year so far So pretty slow, but we started out with like network and [00:05:00] referrals because like a really big thing is I don't want to accidentally introduce Bad incentives into this this game design, right?

Aella: You don't want people who are like suppressing the thing that they actually want in order to try to be liked or Accepted or to participate like it's a big thing at the beginning. We say We, you came here because you wanted this, but if you decide here that this is not what you want to do, we want you to just not do it like it's okay to just sit and watch like we please do not pressure yourself to do it, but there's still like a lot of social pressure sometimes, even if you're trying really hard to make sure this doesn't happen, like, say you go, this is your first time and you're really excited.

Aella: And then you get there and you realize, wait a second, I don't actually want to do this, but you don't want to disappoint the host because you're not supposed to think you're really cool. And so you like, kind of like force yourself to, you know, Deal with something that you didn't want to actually. So in attempting to avoid this, w