The Baggage We Bring Into Marriage: Finding Healing After Trauma with Phyllis Robertson Thomas | Ep. 756

Our past experiences can shape the way we show up in marriage, often in ways we don't even recognize. In this episode of the Awesome Marriage Podcast, Dr. Kim talks with Phyllis Robertson Thomas, author of I Never Knew: Finding Healing and Renewal After Trauma, about how childhood trauma and unhealthy coping patterns can affect our relationships as adults.

Phyllis shares how her own experiences shaped the way she approached marriage, including her struggle to trust and her need to stay in control. Together, they discuss how to recognize the patterns we bring into marriage, take responsibility for our own healing, and support our spouse without expecting them to fix us. They also talk about forgiveness, healthy expectations, and finding our identity and healing in Christ.

Your past may have shaped you, but it doesn't have to define your future. Join us for an honest conversation about healing, hope, and building a healthier marriage with God at the center.

Main Takeaways:

Your coping mechanisms may have helped you survive, but they may not help you connect.

Your spouse can support your healing, but your spouse cannot be your savior.

Your past may have shaped you, but it doesn't have to define you.

Quotes from this Episode:

Phyllis Robertson Thomas:

1. "I didn't trust him, but I trusted God. I didn't believe in him, but I believed in what God could do in our marriage."

2. "Your spouse doesn't complete you. Your spouse doesn't heal you. Your spouse is not responsible for your healing. We love and support one another as we're both being healed, but we have to submit all of that to the Lord."

3. "They've already hurt you. So are we actually going to place our own healing in their hands? That's a lot of power and control that you're handing to someone else for your healing."

4. "Forgiveness does not equal relationship. Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation in all cases."

5. "I did what I had to do to survive, but then it doesn't serve you well as an adult, those unhealthy coping skills."

6. "Our past did shape us. It did, you know, but it doesn't have to define who we are and how we continue to live our lives."

7. "Trauma does not have to have the final word in your life."

8. "My expectation for perfection comes from nobody else except the Lord. I'm not perfect, and neither is my spouse."

9. "If it wasn't hard, if conversations weren't hard and situations weren't hard, Paul would have never told us that we needed the fruits of the Spirit."

10. "There is hope for me and I don't have to live in misery. My marriage can be healed."

Dr. Kim:

1. "We don't have to stay stuck in that."

2. "As a kid growing up, you figure, how do I survive in this? And then you get to be an adult, and you realize, okay, that worked then for you, which was great. It got you to survive. You can't do that now."

3. "If my marriage is going to work, you can't control it. Got to trust him."

4. "You don't have to stay stuck. You don't have to believe what other labels people put on you. It's embracing who God created you to be."

5. "I've seen so many times for the spouse, one spouse begins to look at their spouse a little different and think, something's going on there. Maybe I need to figure out what's going on there too."

Time to Talk About It:

1. Are there ways your past experiences or family patterns show up in how you respond to your spouse today? How might understanding those patterns change the way you respond?

2. Is there an area where you've been trying to control things or struggling to trust your spouse? What would it look like to take a small step toward trust?

3. How can you support each other's healing while remembering that neither of you is responsible for being the other person's savior?

Mentioned in this Episode:

• Get your copy of I Never Knew by Phyllis Robertson Thomas

• Connect with Phyllis on Instagram!

• Your marriage needs God's Word. Awesome Marriage partners with YouVersion to make it easy for couples to get in the Word together. Check out this plan: 5 Marriage Lies to Defeat with Biblical Truth will help you stay confident in God's Word and God's plan for your marriage even when the world tells us lies.

• If you haven't browsed our site, you've GOT to check out the marriage resources we have over at AwesomeMarriage.com, and browse our online courses at AwesomeMarriageUniversity.com !

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