Show full transcript 0:43 And then I do this, and then I go to London for the Jaguars game, then I go work out 0:47 with Mark Wahlberg on Monday. 0:48 That's a full fucking number of days you have there, man. 0:51 I know, man, and I think I have COVID. 0:53 Keep going. 0:53 Keep fucking going. 0:54 Well, that's exciting. 0:55 I think we should probably address the hottest topic in all of comedy right now, and that is 1:03 the- Tony Hinch Club Special. Wait, what were you gonna say? 1:06 Our friend, Shangillis, in a bit of a firestorm, I'm sure you've seen by now, hosted SNL last 1:16 weekend, did a monologue, and it took the interwebs by storm. 1:24 And here's all our crazy here's what I want to say about it because I know we can just say it and then we can move on 1:29 There's a couple things. I know that like I never believe in 1:37 Policing the masses of like what you think of what comedians said I'm I'm a 1:44 proponent of like 1:46 If you're offended or if you're upset and you want to be outspoken. I'm I support that 1:52 I feel like people have the right to feel however they want to feel. 1:55 And I think what happened in this case is that there are these legitimate feelings that 2:02 people have about misogyny or about injustice, about the way women are treated, whether it's 2:11 in these certain settings, whether it's colleges, gyms, or just as a whole, maybe 2:19 the feeling that a lot of women have legitimate frustrations with a lot of things in society. 2:29 And I think those are all things that are worth talking about. 2:32 I also think more than one thing can be true. 2:35 And while I understand that it was used as like this lightning rod to have these conversations, 2:42 I think, I feel like I want to say that as far as Shane goes, 2:49 I know a lot of people probably who didn't know 2:52 who Shane was as popular as he is, 2:55 discovered him from this clip, 2:58 like it became really, 100%. 3:01 It's a- 3:02 That's so funny, because I assume 3:03 everyone knows who Shane is. 3:05 That's dope. 3:05 I think he is, he is, in my opinion, 3:11 the biggest thing to happen to comedy 3:12 since Dane Cook, Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy. 3:17 He is very popular and 100% everybody does not know him. 3:23 And millions of people who are not into, 3:27 you forget that stand up is ultimately not, 3:30 it's not the most popular, like, 3:32 there's a lot of people who go, 3:33 So yeah, I know who Dave Chappelle and Seinfeld are. 3:36 They don't know who anybody is. 3:37 And those people also were sent a clip 3:40 or their friend was like, 3:41 have you seen this thing from SNL? 3:43 And they go, I don't watch SNL, who's this? 3:46 And they discovered him in that clip. 3:50 I only wanted to say that like, 3:52 this clip, this set doesn't represent who that guy is. 3:59 Shane is, I mean, and there's a lot of people 4:02 in our business, so I would be like, 4:04 I wouldn't say anything, but the reason I wouldn't say anything 4:06 is because I would be like, this guy's an asshole. 4:09 He's a good guy, and I just feel obligated. 4:13 I just wanted to say that he's a really good guy, 4:16 a really genuine dude, really genuine, 4:20 authentic, grounded guy, a good friend, 4:23 loves his parents, loves his family, loves his friends. 4:27 And I know there's people who see that clip 4:30 and they go like, you know, what an asshole 4:33 or like this guy's not funny. 4:35 And I just wanted to tell you like, 4:37 that does not represent how funny that guy is. 4:41 He's a legitimately very, very funny guy. 4:45 And I feel bad that I don't think 4:49 anyone ever wants to be caught. 4:51 I know people are like, oh, he doesn't care. 4:53 He's big, but it sucks to get like 4:56 in the cross hairs of something like that. 4:58 I know it wasn't his intention 5:00 and I know that intention doesn't excuse what you like if you're fired up about like it doesn't 5:07 excuse things my point is essentially this more than one thing can be true people can be genuinely 5:15 like upset or happy to have conversations that they feel like need to happen about 5:21 women and their appearance or attire or how they're spoken to or misogyny all these topics 5:27 are like legit to talk about. 5:30 Secondly, or with going with that statement, 5:35 I feel like concurrently, I guess you can also say 5:39 that this guy's a good guy. 5:41 I really think it's important to say he's a good guy 5:43 and he's a funny guy. 5:45 He's a really funny guy. 5:46 He's one of our best as far as somebody 5:49 who can do so many things. 5:51 He's a funny guy on stage. 5:53 He's funny as an actor, as a sketch performer, 5:55 as a podcaster, like, he's just a really funny dude. 5:59 And I don't think that that set represents 6:05 how talented that guy is. 6:08 He's just a really good dude. 6:11 And I hope, I don't know how he's going to choose 6:14 to like navigate this or say he'll make his choices 6:18 and he's a smart guy too. 6:20 But I will tell you that that doesn't represent 6:24 than who that guy is, and that's it. 6:26 That's really what I wanted to say about it. 6:29 Nice. 6:30 Oh, well, Bert's doing. 6:33 I'm doing good, we're listening. 6:34 It's fucking so boring. 6:36 Yeah, yeah, well, I just thought that the Bert 6:39 had the one time to not speak, was he was like, 6:42 well, I won't get caught up at anything 6:43 if I say nothing. 6:47 For once, I will shut up, 6:49 and it's just because I don't want to be in trouble. 6:58 Cheers, that's great Bert, this will be the one clip you never speak on. 7:05 I agree with everything you said, I agree with everything you said. 7:07 I think it, you know, whatever, it's so funny how, it's so funny what triggers someone's 7:16 ears. 7:16 The thing that I thought when I watched that clip was like those pants that he's talking 7:25 about. 7:25 I know those pants, and I love them and I tried to get some for Leanne, and and she wouldn't wear them 7:31 She was like, I'm not wearing those and I was like, you've such a great butt your butt's gonna look amazing in these 7:36 Yeah, I love those pants and by the way, I gotta tell you I mean if 7:41 If we were just looking at from the sidelines 7:44 it's been quite an enjoyable week on social media because 7:48 Because beautiful women are posting themselves almost naked working out and then calling themselves 7:54 a whore. 7:55 There's also this funny thing too that like you always realize how the source of the statement 8:04 or the joke has such huge impact like if you know that same exact sentence was said 8:13 by a woman, people would be like, 8:16 finally someone sang, you know what I mean? 8:17 Like the response would be different. 8:19 If Steph Tollev or Nikki Glazer or Jessica Curson 8:24 was out there saying this thing 8:26 about going to the gym what women are wearing, 8:29 it changes it entirely. 8:30 It's like the same, you know, 8:32 you have to be like sometimes of the group 8:35 to get away with saying the thing. 8:38 Here's the lesson. 8:39 Here's the takeaway. 8:41 You can't talk about people who are looking to post every single day. Okay? 8:47 Yeah. Because this is what Pete Davidson and Shane Gillis have taught us. They 8:52 went after a group of people who post every day. Yeah. They're always looking 8:56 to fill content. So when you go after them, you just gave them their week of 9:00 content. Yeah. And by the way, I don't really have the word 9:06 word whore never really slut. I was always the one in my was the bad word. You can't 9:12 say slut whore was whore was the broad stroke. So I'm toned deaf to all of it. I've been 9:18 calling Leanna slut for years. Privately, I go, where's my slut? I love it. I love 9:23 it. I call her I call her bitch. I call her I've been called Leanna whore. 9:27 There's this one experiment that like would have been interesting, which is like I wonder 9:32 Wonder what would have happened if just that word had been used, like had been substituted 9:42 for another word? 9:43 Like, I just wonder if the same, excuse me, the same firestorm, like, you know what I 9:49 mean? 9:50 Results. 9:51 If the word is substituted for another word. 9:54 I wonder if it was like, if that was a huge part of- 9:58 Like if you had said flusy? 10:00 just like have you seen they really look like I don't know like even if he had 10:06 described like if he had been like they really look like they're ready to but 10:08 can I get down there if I pivot right here yeah here's the problem everyone's 10:13 getting caught up on the fact that they think Shane just called women whores 10:16 that's not what is his joke his joke is that he is caught looking at them 10:21 yeah in the back while they're filming he is caught looking his joke was 10:24 Shane knew he's got a good ugly caught face where he goes like this and so 10:30 that was what he was just getting to that and horror was like a placeholder to 10:34 get there yeah so like I know but it gets all the attention it gets all the 10:38 attention yeah it's it's a it's a way to get it's like you're you're you have 10:42 that big n-word joke and everyone thinks like they go oh he said Bert 10:45 said the n-word but they don't think about the fact that what your jokes 10:49 really about is like white, no it's about how white people have behaved a 10:55 certain way for generations and it's like oh Bert said the n-word let's talk 10:59 about that and they don't think about how you're saying no the white guys I 11:04 don't say the n-word I've never said the n-word everyone in this room is black 11:07 everyone in this room the whole room is black and you're saying this and 11:14 they're just like eyes look at this yeah he has a great n-word joke 11:18 That's okay, all right. 11:20 Thank you guys. 11:22 No, I think, you know. 11:25 No, by the way. 11:26 Sorry, I'm just, we can get back to your joke later, 11:29 but the whole internet just popped off 11:32 and you just saw Instagram became this, you know? 11:34 Everyone being like, clapping for all my fellow, 11:38 yeah, pours at the gym. 11:40 I love it, I love it. 11:41 I love it, and I loved it. 11:42 I gotta be honest with you, man. 11:43 I'm toned after all this. 11:45 I don't have a problem with this or with her. 11:47 And I'm sure that doesn't like 11:48 I think people really got excited to post this girl got this girl got lit up. This was the one 11:54 so I I saw her in my feet a bunch because 11:58 she was like 12:00 She was like one of the first ones to be like not the hottest woman to post and then Shane's fans went after her 12:07 Wow, and we're like not you you're safe you pig 12:14 It's so fun 12:18 The fans. 12:49 Yeah. 12:55 Whore. 12:58 Oh my God. 13:02 Okay. 13:03 There's a lot. 13:04 Oh my God. 13:04 It is funny the amount of people who are just like, he's talking about all of us. 13:09 It's like, he wasn't talking about all of you. 13:11 It wasn't talking about you. 13:12 He is very clearly describing a certain. 13:15 Okay. 13:16 Well anyway. 13:16 I just want to say, I love those pants. 13:19 Let's not lose those pants. 13:21 Yeah. 13:21 Don't lose those pants in this discussion. 13:23 Those pants fucking rock and I can get all women to wear those plants including and actually I'm just talking to my wife 13:29 If I can get Leanne and a pair of those pants and write horror across her chest and then tag Shane Gillis 13:35 I would fucking love that. That's what Leanne. I want Leanne to fucking protest this Leanne thought Leanne liked it 13:42 She was like I didn't see a problem with it 13:44 But Leanne love Shane. I love Shane look I'm a rider die for Shane 13:48 So like it's also you're what are you gonna get for me? I'm fucking no Shane forever 13:51 I I love Shane I I texted him the second this all happened yeah, and said I 13:59 You know, I always have your back. You're like I was a ride or die when he said the Asian shit 14:04 I was like oh my god. Look at these hold on. Yeah, these are fucking incredible. They're amazing. I 14:12 Oh, I love those on the far left. That's the one. I want Leigh-Anne to wear that that one top left there 14:17 Whoever fucking created those is a genius. 14:22 Yeah, those are amazing. 14:23 They're incredible. 14:25 Can I, can I, can I tell you what really bummed me out 14:29 about this was Shane's ex-girlfriend went after him. 14:34 Really? 14:35 There should be like an NDA when you date someone 14:38 that like. 14:39 Over this stuff? 14:41 Yeah. 14:42 She was like. 14:43 Do you have a cold? 14:45 Yeah, I got everything. 14:46 Do you want a tissue? 14:48 No. 14:48 It's gross to listen to. 14:51 No, I'm fine. 14:52 I think we're not fine. 14:53 Could you get a tissue? 14:54 I hope this is better. 14:56 Ah! 15:01 Okay, that was a lot. 15:04 Yeah, thank you. 15:05 This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. 15:07 If you have thought about trying therapy 15:09 with our longtime partner, BetterHelp, 15:12 insurance options may now be available nationwide 15:15 with the average copay for eligible members 15:18 of just $23 per session. 15:21 Let me tell you this. 15:22 My name is Bert Kreischer 15:24 and I love the work I'm doing in therapy. 15:27 I had a great conversation with my wife the other day 15:29 because I was doing something we're talking about in therapy 15:31 called goodwill listening. 15:32 That's when you wanna listen 15:34 but you really don't have the mindset 15:35 because you're going through your own shit 15:36 but you shut your own shit down and then you listen. 15:40 And it's turned into real listening. 15:42 I know I sound like a lunatic saying this 15:44 but if you're a lunatic also 15:45 maybe you need therapy like me. 15:46 I am listening so good. 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I just saw this. 19:01 It's so funny that I think he'd be like, oh he's paralyzed? 19:04 Yeah, no, we're not doing we're not gonna wheel him out and shoot him 19:08 How much better would this live execution? 19:10 Just hear me out. Yes. You roll him you roll him far as fuck away, right? 19:15 Mm-hmm, and then they each take their shot and they're like he's still alive 19:18 And then you roll him five feet you really kill this guy. They said I'm up five feet closer 19:25 At two two miles away, and he's like anybody and then the bullet just going he's like holy shit 19:31 It just goes right by his head. 19:34 He's like, he got me, I think I'm dying. 19:36 Don't shoot again. 19:38 Oh my, after learning the Fort, okay, scroll down. 19:41 This is so fucking crazy. 19:43 President Trump and his advisors are debating whether 19:46 to call off the plan to livestream 19:49 the firing squad execution of the Fort Hood shooter, 19:53 with Trump having remarked privately 19:54 that he did not initially know 19:56 that Nadal Hassan was paralyzed from the waist down. 20:00 The president was like, I just can't imagine him being like, he's what, they're like, 20:05 he is paralyzed and he's like, that's not good. I don't like that. 20:09 He's got to be so much fun to be around on a daily basis. 20:12 Trump? 20:13 Oh my god. 20:14 So entertaining. 20:15 I wouldn't be in his cabinet just to be like, he's paralyzed, paralyzed. 20:18 Yeah. 20:19 Aw, then take, call it off. 20:20 Never mind, let's not do it. 20:21 Even after Heg Seth posted on X, confirming that the Pentagon planned a live stream 20:26 the execution, Trump polled several of his advisors and allies on how to proceed. 20:32 It was during those conversations he learned he was paralyzed, he was shot in the back by 20:36 law enforcement during the 2009 shootout at Fort Hood, and he now uses a wheelchair which 20:43 made showing the execution less palatable to the president. 20:48 He's like, a guy in a chair just getting lit up by a fucking firing squad? 20:53 I don't know. 20:54 What did the polls say? 20:55 well that is really surprising I also did not know he was paralyzed and I didn't 21:02 know how paralyzed can he use his hands he's I think he has hand control at least 21:06 some he's waist down paralyzed he's not a quadriplegic they should here's this 21:12 ironic for me though okay I was not into the idea of watching the live 21:18 streaming execution but I do think I'm curious about seeing a paralyzed guy get 21:22 shot. You know? I do think I would have maybe turned into that. That's how I, I don't know. 21:29 Yeah, I think it's a more interesting. I think what we do, and this is how we get out of our deficit, 21:36 is we also paralyze him from the neck down. So we get rid of his arms, right? And then we 21:43 rent him to people for like a week for a high price. Yeah. And he's, and they can have this 21:50 guy, so instead of him living the rest of his life or getting executed and being put out 21:56 of his misery, we forced him to live a very unhappy life. 22:00 I like that. 22:01 Yeah, I like that a lot. 22:02 Yeah. 22:02 Yeah. 22:03 I think it's a good idea that you can do it, you can torture him if you want, you can 22:07 beat him. 22:08 Yeah. 22:09 I mean, I don't believe this guy deserves to, I mean, the live stream was more a 22:14 disgusting reflection on me and society was that we were willing to watch it. 22:18 And I wasn't, I wasn't like fired up to watch it. 22:21 I was just like, I'm gonna, 22:22 I'm gonna, instead of being the guy, 22:24 do you remember two girls, one cup, 22:25 when they're like, hey, sit down, 22:26 I want you to see something. 22:27 And you're like, what is it? 22:28 What is it? 22:29 What is it? 22:29 What the fuck? 22:31 Dude. 22:32 He's fucking a horse? 22:33 And then I don't want that. 22:35 I remember when I shot, 22:36 I showed my parents that 22:37 and like the reaction of them was just unbelievable. 22:43 It was one of the best things I've ever done. 22:46 But those are fun moments, 22:47 is the surprise, you gotta see this. 22:49 But surprise shows somebody and execution is crazy too. 22:54 How fun would that surprise is, 22:56 you guys wanna see something really cool 22:58 and they roll this guy out, 22:59 they're like, is he gonna learn to walk? 23:00 And you're like, no, no, just keep watching. 23:02 She checked this out. 23:03 And they're like, he's gonna get out of the wheelchair, 23:04 shut the fuck up. 23:05 And they're like, no, no, no. 23:06 Wait, what are those soldiers doing? 23:07 Oh my God, he came back from battle 23:10 and he's gonna walk to them? 23:11 And you're like, no, no, keep watching. 23:12 Keep watching. 23:13 They killed him? 23:14 Like, oh yeah, you haven't seen this one yet? 23:16 You haven't seen this? 23:17 Yeah, he was paralyzed and then they just shot him 23:19 and killed him. 23:20 That's fucking, what a hot weekend media. 23:24 The best dude, so much going on. 23:26 Have you seen the new White House press secretary? 23:30 No, but I saw someone, no, I haven't. 23:36 I don't know what's ha, I mean, 23:38 oh yes I have, yes I have, yes I have. 23:42 Her speaking is what I'm talking about. 23:44 I have seen this. 23:46 She's fucking awesome. 23:49 It's, I love it. 23:50 I love it. 23:53 Her press conference, she had trouble reading. 23:56 I guess it's nerve wracking, that makes sense. 23:58 I'm not saying this is- 23:58 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, stop right there. 24:00 It does not make sense. 24:01 It does not make sense. 24:02 She has press secretary. 24:03 That's not, I'm not disqualifying that I love her. 24:06 No, no, I'm saying nerves make sense on day one. 24:08 I was saying it makes sense to be nervous 24:11 to be like I speak in the West Wing but like just check out some of this shit 24:16 just watch it I am so honored to work for President Trump and the American 24:23 people as the new White House Press Secretary that's cool so I want to thank 24:30 President Trump for his trust that he has placed in me I have wanted to work 24:37 for him for a very long time. 24:40 She's very nervous. 24:41 Is she American? 24:41 I'm looking forward to working with each of you as well, especially as we are in the 24:47 middle of the midterm blitz with energy and excitement never seen before in the history 24:54 of midterms thanks to President Trump. 24:57 Just look no further than last night in Youngstown, Ohio where President Trump delivered another 25:05 blockbuster rally, out on the trail. 25:09 The arena was overflowing with enthusiasm. 25:11 Like she's struggling to read these. 25:15 What's her name? 25:15 I wanna find her on Instagram. 25:17 I guarantee she's got a picture. 25:19 Zachariah. 25:20 With a K? 25:23 Yeah, with a K? 25:24 Yeah, Katie. 25:25 Yeah, Katie Zachariah. 25:25 I guarantee she's got a picture of her in workout outfits. 25:28 Oh boy. 25:29 I guarantee it, I guarantee it. 25:30 I guarantee it. 25:31 Katie Zachariah, Katie Zachariah. 25:33 Katie Zachariah Katie Zachariah give me a fucking workout picture. I see you. You're in an elevator 25:40 You're not too far off Katie Zachariah. Let's go to early Katie Zachariah. You on the beach. Nope. Here we go 25:45 Here we go a lot of politics a lot of politics Katie. Where are you in the gym? No, she's one picture you in the gym 25:50 She's look man. She's beautiful. I got her. I got her. Okay, boom, baby 25:56 I love it our press secretary is all 26:06 You can't do this, Katie! This triggers us, Katie! Here's another one! Jesus Christ! This doesn't happen 26:13 and I ran! Look at that, yeah. Fucking I love you, Katie. I am team Katie, top to bottom. I am 26:22 fucking here for it. Yes, I love this! Dude, I love this chick! Not great at public speaking. 26:28 Post gym outfits. I love her. Katie Zachariah. My name is Burke Kreischer and I have your back. 26:33 There you go. 26:34 I knew it, I knew it. 26:36 I want to see you. 26:37 Who's our old press secretary? 26:38 Was it Condi? 26:41 Condi? 26:42 That's what I call her. 26:43 Condi-Lisa Rice? 26:45 Anybody? 26:45 Condi-Lisa Rice was, no. 26:47 What was she? 26:48 Caroline Levitt was the last. 26:50 Who, what was Condi-Lisa Rice? 26:52 Condi-Lisa Rice. 26:53 The baddest motherfucker in America. 26:55 Was not a press secretary. 26:57 She was secretary of state. 27:02 Wow. 27:03 Can we tell you a great Connelisa rice story? Oh, you have a Connelisa rice story. I love this 27:08 I read a book about 9-eleven on 9-eleven 27:12 Shit goes down, right? They're like yo 27:16 We got a lock shit down 27:18 We're gonna give everyone five minutes to get your shit in order call your families make sure everyone's safe 27:23 And then we're meeting in in the go-room, you know like that under the country under the 27:29 Thing in the boardroom to figure out what our next steps are 27:33 The guy that was telling this, I think it was maybe it was Dick Cheney or something, says he gets down there and Condoleezza Rice is already sitting at the table. 27:40 And then like, Condi, do you want to real quick, do you want to take care of anything? She goes, no. Everyone I love is dead. Let's get to work. 27:49 Fuck yeah, Condi. I fucking love Condoleezza Rice. I love George Bush. I love Condoleezza Rice. I'm telling you, man. 27:57 I love Barack Obama. I love Bill Clinton. 28:00 but Condoleezza Rice is my motherfucker. 28:02 If I could get a Condoleezza Rice shirt, 28:04 I would. 28:05 I love Condoleezza Rice. 28:07 I don't know why. 28:08 I think because I really love George Bush Jr. 28:11 I loved him. 28:12 I just got a kick out of him, you know? 28:14 I don't follow politics, but the fact, 28:16 the day I fell in love with him was the day 28:17 there's a great video of him walking through 28:19 the United Nations saying what's up to everyone 28:23 and he doesn't know anyone's name 28:24 and he's like, what's up big dog? 28:25 And he's like, chief, how we doing captain? 28:27 and, hey, Kimosabe! 28:28 You've seen the clip of him where he's on the golf course 28:32 and I forget what question he answers. 28:36 I got a crush on his drive. 28:37 He's like, now watch this drive. 28:38 I fucking love him. 28:41 That shit is so funny, dude. 28:43 I did it to stop the terror. 28:45 The terror. 28:46 I call upon all nations to do everything they can 28:49 to stop these terrorist killers. 28:53 Thank you. 28:54 Now watch this drive. 28:57 crushes it, and he stripes it. 28:59 If there's anything I can get behind, 29:01 it's streamlined service. 29:02 Whether it's a coffee shop or the guy who details my car, 29:05 I've noticed all the places I keep coming back to 29:07 are all using Square. 29:10 It's so simple, it makes it easier to just pull it up, 29:15 you save your info. 29:16 Square gives small businesses a system to run so smooth, 29:19 you don't even notice it's a small business. 29:21 Square designates everything from payments and inventory 29:24 rate to invoices and payroll out of the same place, all of which is a game changer if you're 29:30 anything like me and don't have time to navigate a logistical nightmare on the regular. 29:36 If you're starting a business or you're already running one that deserves better tools, Square 29:41 helps you sell, manage, and grow without slowing down. 29:44 Right now, you can get up to $200 off Square Hardware at square.com slash go 29:51 slash bears. 29:53 That's S-Q-U-A-R-E dot com slash G-O slash bears. 30:01 Run your business smarter with Square. Get started today. 30:05 Now that we've officially entered autumn, I can't think of a better time to stop pretending 30:09 summer is the superior season when it comes to being outside. 30:12 From the crisp in the air to the color in the leaves, fall just makes me want to 30:16 hold it down at a tailgate or hang around a fire with my boys like we used to before 30:20 where life became perpetually busy. 30:22 No matter where you find yourself this time of year, 30:25 it'll be a better experience when paired 30:26 with the American original that is Mountain Dew. 30:29 Hailing from the foothills of Tennessee in 1948 30:32 by way of two brothers who knew what it meant 30:35 to have a good time outside. 30:37 It's the kind of simple roots you can't help but respect. 30:40 Love the taste of that crisp citrus kick, 30:42 especially after tossing around a football 30:45 in the backyard or breaking out the grill on game day. 30:48 I mean, for me, I can't even believe 30:49 if I have to give you a reason why fall is better than summer. 30:53 There's not even close. 30:54 This is the best time of year. 30:56 So get out there and enjoy the outdoors with Mountain Dew. 30:59 An American original, tasting great since 48. 31:04 Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you. 31:07 Let me tell you something. 31:09 I'm so glad we're out of the world where we hated Bush 31:12 because I had to keep my voice and my opinion low 31:15 back in the day because there was something about him 31:17 that just made me tickle me. 31:19 My dad hated him. 31:21 Yeah, a lot of people hated him, 31:22 and then the war changed it, 31:24 but then time has helped him. 31:27 Time and like the current administration 31:29 has made people go, you know, 31:31 that guy was not, you know what I mean? 31:34 Everybody used to say like, 31:35 is there anybody dumber than this guy? 31:37 That was the thing, they were like, 31:38 this guy is dumber than a box of sand. 31:41 And then Trump came in office and they were like, 31:44 oh, maybe that guy was like an MIT physics professor 31:46 because no one is dumber than this guy. 31:50 It's just the craziest thing that perspective 31:52 really changes over time. 31:54 What's crazy, this is what else I love about 31:57 George W. Bush Jr. 31:59 He gives Werther's to Michelle Obama 32:02 and then they go to like big events. 32:04 I love that. 32:04 Well they're all at least like have- 32:06 They're all friends. 32:07 Well they have human, like they have decency. 32:10 Yeah. 32:10 Like those people all have some level of decency 32:13 and they're, yeah that's what we're trying to say. 32:15 His dad's one of the baddest motherfuckers ever built. 32:19 I mean, his dad's- 32:20 A.S.W? 32:21 Dude? 32:21 Yeah. 32:22 Don't get me started about, 32:23 they don't make Americans like that. 32:25 Now I understand politically you're gonna get upset 32:27 or whatever that, and that's not what I'm talking about. 32:29 He signed up in World War II. 32:30 We're talking planes were just kind of invented. 32:33 And he signed up in World War II 32:34 to do dive bomb missions into Japan. 32:36 And then when he landed, 32:39 they would give him one shot of whiskey 32:40 to calm his nerves, that's it. 32:42 And he did all those dive bomb missions 32:44 over in Japan that I mean and then came back CIA or FBI or whatever you know he 32:51 ran the CIA did yeah he was also what ambassador to China he was yeah pretty 32:57 high-level I love I think the older I get the more the less political sides 33:05 you're on matter to me and just like the like the the the worth of that man 33:10 like there's people that you know dislike Winston Churchill fucking love 33:13 I love the guy. 33:14 Love the guy. 33:15 But you love him personally. 33:17 I like Napoleon. 33:20 I like Genghis Khan. 33:22 Like I'm a fan of Genghis Khan. 33:22 What did he smell like? 33:23 Didn't you buy Napoleon's incredible? 33:26 Really? 33:27 Incredible. 33:28 I bought Napoleon's scent and it's incredible. 33:30 It's like a, it's a very floral. 33:32 Where did you do it? 33:33 Where was it again? 33:34 In France. 33:35 You were in Paris? 33:36 In Paris and we walked into this old beauty shop 33:39 and Leanne goes, 33:40 this is like the highest end beauty shop. 33:42 You know Leanne has got a real pretty woman-esque tour, or dare I say, Kelly Clarkson-esque tour. 33:49 And she just walks in and she goes, I don't know nothing about what's in here. 33:57 Please leave the store, please. 33:59 Please leave. I can smell you from here. And then someone was like, oh my gosh, 34:05 are you that machine? And I went, I am. And he goes, are you with this feeble-minded peasant? 34:11 And I said, I am, that's my wife. 34:13 And they went, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, 34:15 come in, the store is open to you. 34:17 And then Leanne was doing her business 34:19 and I said, they said, can we introduce you to a clone? 34:22 And I was like, nah, I don't really wear clones. 34:25 And they're like, really? 34:25 And they're like, you know, we're one of the oldest 34:27 things in France. 34:29 And I go, yeah, do you guys have Napoleon's clone? 34:31 Just joking. 34:32 Because I wanted to see where they beheaded 34:35 Maria and Tuanette, like when I was in Paris. 34:37 I wanted to see, I guess that happened in Germany. 34:39 But anyway, I didn't follow through. 34:40 and so so I um I they were like yeah we have Napoleon's clone and I went are 34:49 you serious and they're like it's right here I smelled it I fucking loved it I 34:53 loved it Napoleon was a bad motherfucker yeah yeah he was I mean and by the way 35:00 I gotta say not that small for the time I mean they were all pretty short right 35:06 What was he, like, 5'7' or something? 35:09 Yeah. 35:10 5, I think, shorter, I think. 35:11 How cool, how cool. 35:13 How cool. 35:15 Our press secretary's fucking hot. 35:17 Yeah, she looks good, man. 35:18 She's beautiful. 35:19 I'm gonna like this and follow her. 35:20 Jesus Christ. 35:20 I'm a direct messenger. 35:22 She's a messenger. 35:23 5'6' to 5'7' it said. 35:25 5'6', 5'7', that's Tony Hinchcliffe's site. 35:29 Tony Hinchcliffe's catching some flares today, huh? 35:31 Today? 35:32 Yeah, for me, I'm lighting them up. 35:34 Oh. 35:34 Okay, I got him on my mind. 35:36 I just followed her and DM'd her. 35:38 I was like, hey, would you like come on my podcast? 35:41 I don't know, it's weird that she's the press secretary. 35:47 Like I'm saying with her speaking skills. 35:49 Like was she a broadcaster before this? 35:51 Is that what she did? 35:52 No, I think she's just political and beautiful. 35:55 Can you look at that, guys? 35:57 Like is that on a, is that her background? 36:00 around. I don't understand. Her career, she was deputy assistant secretary for Public 36:10 Affairs. She worked as a commentator for Newsmax. Oh boy. After graduation, she failed the California 36:20 bar exam before moving to China with her husband. When they asked her, yeah, that was 36:25 the big the big news that was like they're like when did you where did you 36:28 pass the bar and she replied when I moved to China she subsequently said that 36:33 because of the noise coming from the helicopter she misheard the question 36:36 where were you after law school the bar exam in mainland China is reserved for 36:41 Chinese citizens she is not Chinese I don't know that she passed the bar 36:45 exam anywhere in the United States she they subsequently confirmed that she 36:50 had failed the bar exam and was not a practicing lawyer despite her not 36:54 practicing attorney. She has repeatedly referred to herself as a lawyer during 36:58 her appearances on Fox News and on social media. Like this? Like a lawyer? Yeah. I'm a lawyer. 37:04 Yeah. And I'm an athlete. Yeah. That's really... I'm not an alcoholic. Okay. I like this game. 37:11 You like this game? Tom's not racist. That's really cool. That's cool. 37:18 Well, she was, okay, this is gonna be, 37:23 I think this is gonna be short-lived, Bert. 37:26 You think? 37:26 I don't think this is gonna last. 37:28 I'll hire her. 37:29 I think she will be press secretary for 37:33 under six months, maybe under three. 37:36 Do we change, I thought once you got, 37:38 that was like a life term. 37:40 No, no, no. 37:43 I think this is gonna be one of those real quick shifts here. Yeah, she's gonna be out quick 37:48 Very exciting though. That's okay. You can pull that then 37:51 Oh, I'm gonna get her. I love her. That's our press secretary. I know. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah 37:58 Look at her. I love this. I that's the one I fucking liked. That's the one you liked. Yeah, look at her 38:03 Yeah, she's great 38:05 Okay, I wouldn't be shocked if if um, I 38:13 What does a press secretary do? 38:14 They get up and they go like, 38:16 well they had a lot of phone calls today 38:18 and I patched them through. 38:20 They're the connection between the administration 38:24 and the media. 38:25 So they're the mouthpiece for the administration. 38:29 Yeah, you have to be, 38:31 the good ones are very savvy 38:33 at handling the questions. 38:35 They're also super well informed. 38:36 They're very articulate, but yeah, I don't know. 38:39 Yeah, wasn't the guy from Harold and Kumar, 38:43 a press secretary? 38:45 The guy from Harold and Kumar? 38:47 Yeah, wasn't that the guy, a press secretary? 38:49 The Indian guy? 38:51 Or Asian, rather? 38:52 He was a White House staffer, it says, I don't know. 38:55 How do I get in the White House? 38:57 I think it's actually achievable. 38:58 You? 39:00 Yeah, if I just talk positive about Trump, 39:02 I bet I can get in the White House. 39:03 I think you can get in the Oval Office. 39:06 I think you can get there 39:07 They're in a very short amount of time. 39:12 If that's a goal of yours, which feels like it is, 39:14 I think you could really easily pull that off. 39:16 We're living in a fever dream right now. 39:18 So like, if anything was ever gonna be achievable, 39:21 it's right now. 39:22 Like, we're gonna go back to regular life 39:23 and like, when's the next election in four years? 39:26 Oh my God, when's the next election in four years? 39:29 Did we just elect the president? 39:32 I don't know. 39:33 In one year? 39:34 In one year? 39:34 In one year? 39:35 In two years. 39:36 No, no, like, the election will be in 27 39:38 and for 28, yeah. 39:40 Okay, so we got one year left of this. 39:43 Yeah. 39:44 It's like, listen, our parents are on vacation, 39:47 it's Sunday, are we really just gonna clean the house? 39:49 Let's fucking throw a rager and have a pool party 39:52 and then just when they come home, they're gonna yell at us 39:54 anyway, they have nest camps, they know we've been partying. 39:57 We might as well just all clean it up on Sunday 39:59 and just party balls Sunday and do what we're gonna do, 40:03 cut our hair and let our parents come home and yell at us 40:05 and then be like, fuck, 40:06 now we're all gonna clean it up together. 40:07 I mean, that's what, yeah. 40:09 Blow it up. 40:10 I think, why don't you do like some super maga post 40:13 and like have it, it'll go viral. 40:16 Right, but it will. 40:17 And then just have your reps reach out to the White House 40:20 and be like, Bert wants to come to the White House 40:22 and do a speech and like meet the president 40:24 and talk about how great he is. 40:26 And I'm sure Trump will be like, come on over. 40:29 Nate Borgazzi actually got into the White House. 40:33 When he went there? 40:34 He got into it. 40:36 because he was invited yeah yeah yeah he was invited to I mean if they can get it 40:41 into the White House I can definitely get into the Oval Office I think you 40:44 definitely can ah here's the question what a cool goal yeah it's gonna be a 40:48 it's gonna be a lot of pushback for my family really oh well my side what do you 40:54 mean inside would be pretty fired up oh you think the Christchers the crop my 40:59 dad would fucking my dad when he saw a picture of one of our friends not 41:04 I'm not broken, but one of our friends with Trump, 41:07 my dad said to me very clearly, buddy, 41:10 you're not to like take a picture with him. 41:13 And I was like, I got it. 41:15 He was like, look, if there's anything 41:18 I've learned in therapy, it's everything about me 41:20 is about approval for my fucking father. 41:23 So, oh my God. 41:31 That's deadly accurate, that's wild. 41:34 That's so good, that's so good. 41:37 Holy shit. 41:39 What watch am I wearing? 41:42 That's fucking great, man. 41:44 Oh my god. 41:46 That's, god damn it. 41:48 That looks, that's so fucking... 41:54 You know, you ever feel like this podcast 41:56 does more worse for us than good 41:58 in our careers? 42:03 That's so good, dude. 42:05 You would be like that. 42:06 You would be like, 42:07 Like, oh, like mouth open. 42:11 Like, hey Bert, what if President Trump was like, 42:14 take your shirt off, take the shirt off. 42:17 Dude, I don't have, I don't, I'm a Billy Busher. 42:21 Like, I'm a, I'm a, I am, when I met Billy Bush, 42:25 I actually gave him a hug and said, 42:27 I understand everything you went through because I am you. 42:30 I am a glad handing, smile, not question it, 42:34 sure thing I'm not a push-back guy at all yeah we think that's all about that 42:40 people don't know because I want people to like me and it sucks it sucks and I 42:44 actually was getting a glass of champagne and there was this older black 42:49 woman she saw me on Instagram she goes yeah I just got rid of mine and I was 42:54 like yeah she's like yeah I can't let people fucking tell me I'm fat and I 42:59 was like yeah she goes doesn't matter what people say about you it's how 43:03 you feel about yourself, and I said, 43:05 what if how you feel about yourself 43:06 is based on what people say about you? 43:08 She goes, look to me, she goes, honey, 43:10 you're fucked, and just walked away. 43:14 But I mean, like, here's the thing that I gotta call 43:17 bullshit on for every one of us, 43:20 is we would not be on stage performing comedy 43:23 if we didn't care what people thought. 43:25 I mean, there's very, very few of us, 43:28 and you can tell the guys who do it, they care. 43:32 Like I guarantee you and I you know I'm a ride or die for Shane and I'm just 43:37 saying that I'm just doing this to humanize the man is I guarantee you 43:42 he's a little upset that everyone took that one joke and ran with it and then 43:46 and it's polarizing people. Shane's not a like fuck everyone kind of guy. Shane is 43:51 a let's have a good time guy let's all have a beer let's he texts me very 43:56 like thoughtful, sensitive things, you know, like, and so, because he ultimately, like us, 44:04 is looking for the approval of an audience. And even Joe Rogan, who I think could care 44:12 less what one human being thinks about him, he will, I can promise you this, change his 44:20 words on stage if it doesn't get a laugh. If it doesn't get a laugh, he will edit 44:24 those words so that they are appeasable enough for a laugh. That is the job of a comedian and 44:31 yeah, I just, I don't know. I wish I could get rid of it, man. I really wish I could. 44:37 I'm on so much therapy right now. I was sitting next to a woman on a plane. I shouldn't tell you 44:42 this story. I shouldn't say this out loud, but I will because, you know, so I'm sitting next 44:48 to a woman on a plane. She goes, what do you do for a living? I said I'm a comedian. This 44:51 This is very recent, Tom. 44:53 This is like two weeks ago. 44:55 She goes, oh, really, what's your name? 44:57 And I said, Bert Kreischer. 44:59 She goes, are you on YouTube? 45:01 And I said, I am. 45:03 And she typed in Bert Kreischer, 45:05 and then she flipped it around, 45:07 and it was a picture of me, 45:09 and it was like, and it was a really bad picture of me. 45:11 It was like the most hated man on the internet. 45:17 And obviously it's, you know, 45:19 It's a, not a fan, but the opposite of a fan video of me. 45:23 Guy hates me. 45:25 And so he does videos about me. 45:26 I didn't see it, I haven't watched it. 45:29 And then she looked at me and goes, what did you do? 45:33 And I was like, nothing. 45:34 And I couldn't say to her, nothing, nothing. 45:37 I did absolutely, I was just trying to make people 45:39 like me and then some people just based on me 45:41 wanting people to like me don't like that about me 45:44 that I want people to like me 45:46 or maybe they can't identify with that 45:47 within themselves so they make video and I also want to be like look there's a 45:51 whole arm of the internet that just wants views and they don't really care if 45:54 it damages your your life they just want views there are people that want I 45:59 mean they don't care it's like they're real like the the and I said we're a 46:04 troll I don't mean it bad but the real essence of a troll is they enjoy 46:08 watching the chaos yeah they enjoy throwing the Molotov cocktail into a 46:12 mall and watching people run and I just was like and I sat next to this woman on 46:18 the plane and she didn't speak to me again the whole flight and she was like 46:22 because she has no frame of reference she's not gonna watch it and go well it 46:25 seems like they just pulled clips of you from a podcast and that they didn't 46:29 really represent you the full she didn't do any of that she just was like 46:32 wow and I was like this is cool they don't say next time what do you do for 46:37 I'm a fucking abortion doctor. 46:39 My name's Burr-Christ or Google it. 46:42 No one would believe you're a doctor ever. 46:45 No one. 46:46 No one. 46:47 But yeah, I know what you're saying, man. 46:48 I know that that arm of the internet is rough 46:51 and no one like goes, oh, I enjoy being the, 46:56 you know, the subject of one of these videos 47:00 about like, no, no. 47:02 I know, but what can you do? 47:04 Like, what can you do? 47:04 Nothing. And the truth is, you said it, is the other part of me is also it's like, you 47:11 know, there's a part of me that goes, they, those people that make those videos are pretty 47:16 talented. They make great videos, they get lots of views. I don't want to, I don't, 47:21 if that's how you make your rent, I don't want to like, look, if I'm a thing that 47:25 you can make rent off of, then I, and I'm making rent, I make pretty good rent 47:28 and it's not affecting my life. I mean, other than an awkward and then I have 47:33 So be it. I haven't I've never done a video strike. I've never asked anyone to take anything down and there are some really 47:40 Horrible things out there, and you just got to go. I know I know yeah, I know 47:46 No, I know man. I I I totally get what you're saying. I really do. It's just 47:52 You know all you can do in that situation. I think is just 47:56 keep 47:58 living the way you want to live and and care about like what your family and 48:02 friends think of you like that's really and by the way I also I create every day 48:08 and I take things on stage and I have a very lucrative career and I'm a very 48:11 happy life I mean I really do if you keep that shit out of your lane it's like 48:15 look I guess there's people that like I guess there's a teacher at a middle 48:19 school that all the kids call him gay behind his back and you know and he's 48:24 got to deal with that. Everyone's got their fucking thing. And the more famous you get, 48:28 the bigger they get, and you gotta fucking deal with it. And if you can't deal with it, 48:31 get the fuck out. Look, if you can't deal with it, get the fuck out. That's it. And 48:35 I'm still here. I can deal with it. 48:37 There you go. And, you know, to put things in perspective, I guess the Pope has cancer. 48:42 What? 48:43 That's what I just heard. 48:44 The American Pope has cancer? 48:46 I know. What a bummer, man. We got an American there. 48:48 Are you fucking kidding me? 48:50 What's the details on this? 48:52 Is it like, he's got lung cancer 48:55 and he successfully underwent surgery 48:57 to remove a malignant tumor. 48:58 Oh, okay. 48:59 Well, he's recovering in the hospital. 49:01 All the best prayers up to the Pope. 49:06 That's a- 49:07 I don't know who I'll be praying for Monday. 49:09 Yeah. 49:10 What's his name? 49:11 Pope Frank or something? 49:12 Pope Leo? 49:14 Pope Leo, yeah. 49:15 Yeah, yeah. 49:17 That's a- 49:17 Pope Leo. 49:18 No, from Chicago, he's a White Sox fan, right? 49:20 He is, he's a White Sox fan. 49:23 I'll be in Chicago November 6th and 7th 49:26 at the Chicago Theater. 49:27 I'll be doing a, I'll be doing a moment of silence 49:31 for our Pope. 49:33 I'm not doing it with church, nothing, 49:35 I'm just, I'm fucking around. 49:37 I'll be in Chicago November 6th and 7th. 49:39 Oh, nice, okay. 49:40 Right after my birthday, yeah. 49:41 Right after you turned 54? 49:45 Yep, 54, best shape of my life. 49:47 I'm a fucking, I got up this morning, ran three miles, 49:50 lifted weights, no one in the gym with me, 49:53 I just fucking destroyed. 49:54 And then I took some awesome pictures of me. 49:57 And then one of the maintenance guys saw me 49:59 taking a picture of myself and he just laughed. 50:02 He did? 50:03 He laughed. 50:03 What are you doing like? 50:05 Elevator door opened and I was standing. 50:07 I'll show you the fucking picture, Tom. 50:09 I was standing with my phone like this 50:12 and it was good, it was good, 50:13 it was good lighting on my arm. 50:15 It was really good lighting on my arm and 50:19 Yeah, look at the picture 50:21 This is the picture and the maintenance guy saw that 50:24 And the maintenance guy saw me doing that yeah, and he was any the door the elevator door just opened 50:30 And I'm right there doing it and he went 50:34 And then the door is just closed and I went fuck 50:38 Yeah, this is great lighting on my arm. I'll post it. He's like man. I just saw this fucking 50:43 a 62-year-old guy taking a photo of himself in the mirror. 50:48 Can I tell you what 62, my ass, I fucking, 50:51 I bet he was like, God damn it, 50:53 I wish I was young again. 50:54 Can I tell you what I've been doing to him, 50:56 which I fucking love? 50:58 I've been doing adventure runs. 51:01 Adventure runs? 51:02 Adventure runs. 51:04 What's an adventure run? 51:06 So what I do is I pick landmarks in a city 51:09 that I wanna see and then I jog to them. 51:11 And now I've been doing it on the road 51:12 with my with the crew I make everyone I started realizing I talked about this I 51:17 did I did one of those videos where a guy walks by you on the road and then 51:20 goes hey can I ask you what you do for a living yeah I've always wanted to do 51:23 one and then I did one and I was like oh I wish I had answered differently oh 51:28 yeah I know this guy I've seen these before yeah it caught me off guard I 51:32 was buying I was buying James Perth shirts in the village you were on 51:37 your way really like that was your soho I was in no in the West Village 51:42 In the West Village. I was going to buy a leather carry-on bag to put a pillow in for 51:47 Europe and there's a James Purr store. I was like I'm going to grab some shirts and a tracksuit 51:52 to fly in and I ran into this guy and he just caught me off guard and I did not do it right. 51:58 I mean I did it right. I did it right. But I wish I had a second shot at it. 52:02 Let's see. Let's see. You're just walking down the street. 52:05 Yeah. Excuse me sir. Excuse me. I love the outfit. What do you do? 52:08 I love the outfit. 52:09 Yeah, my name is Tom. What do you what do you do for living maybe really? Yeah, what's your what's your name? 52:15 My name is Bert Kreischer for a nice feature. What's your favorite part of our job? My favorite part of my job? 52:20 Yeah, the comedian doesn't cover at all. I got a podcast. I got a vodka. I got a 52:26 TV show. I got a tour. Yeah, I got a 5k. I got a cruise. I really yeah 52:30 Well, you can't just be a comedian. This job has changed, but I wouldn't definitely mention you comedian without a doubt 52:37 is the moment right before you figure out a joke. 52:41 The time you're on stage where you haven't figured out 52:43 quite yet, but you know the next time you're on stage, 52:45 you've got it. 52:46 That's the moment. 52:47 I have no idea what you're talking about. 52:48 You know what I wanted to ask you? 52:48 No, no, no. 52:49 I feel like, what do you feel like 52:50 you're missing your life right now? 52:51 I feel like when people hear, like, 52:52 the comedian. 52:54 I wish I had never said this. 52:56 I felt so, I feel so vulnerable from saying this. 52:59 Let's see, because I was just thinking about this. 53:01 I was talking to Leanne about this. 53:02 Let's see, let's see. 53:03 I know. 53:03 If you're catching me at the right time, 53:05 I'm in a lot of therapy right now. 53:06 Okay, friends. Yeah friends. Why is that? You know you get so focused on work and at a certain point 53:14 it's all family and then you go out on a tour and you don't have a regular life where it's like 53:20 five o'clock and everyone goes and meets for drinks or you know let's go see a movie or you 53:23 want to go for a bike ride or we're training for a triathlon. You're on tour in a tour bus 53:27 with people you pay and other comics. How you doing? Thank you man, thank you. Oh well 53:36 So yeah, so I think, you know, that's my wife and I are working on expanding our friends. 53:41 I have a lot of like, I have a lot of chat groups, you know, like text groups that we 53:46 all keep in touch with, but comedians were like lone wolves. 53:49 We all go off in our different directions and then, you know, see each other sometimes 53:53 at the club. 53:54 But friends, friends is the most important thing. 53:57 I guess let me ask you one more question. 53:58 How do you want to be remembered? 54:00 Oh, that's a big one for you. 54:02 No, I wish I fucked it up. 54:04 Fucked it up. 54:05 Listen, if I get remembered at all, that's all that matters. 54:08 Wow. 54:08 If I get remembered at all, if anyone ever remembers me and goes like, God damn, that 54:14 Bert was a good time, I did my job. 54:17 I did my job. 54:18 I fucked it up, Tom. 54:20 I have different answers. 54:21 I have different answers. 54:21 Well, I feel like the real burning answer to that question is like, how do I want 54:26 to be remembered? 54:26 I want there to be 50,000 people at my funeral and I want them to talk about how amazing I was 54:33 I want to be the fucking biggest party ever. Yeah, I would say I want to be remembered the way they remembered 54:41 Franz Ferdinand's son's wedding they celebrated for one month and they drank until the fucking fields were 54:47 You should have said, have you seen footage like Kim Jong Il's 54:52 of funeral procession, like that's what I want. 54:56 Yes, I want people fake crying 54:58 because they're afraid there's a camera on them 55:00 and they'll be hunted down by the fucking state police. 55:03 That's it. 55:03 I, this is the answer I wish I had said. 55:05 The way that the, also just like the way 55:07 that these internet interview, it's so funny 55:11 that somebody says to you, he goes, 55:12 oh, he goes, you're someone, who are you? 55:15 It's like, you're in the middle of the interview, man. 55:17 Like, you already asked them, who are you? 55:20 He, I wish I had said, what do you do for a living? 55:24 I just would have said comedian, dropped it there. 55:26 Comedian, dropped it there. 55:27 I wouldn't ever say anything else. 55:28 What's your favorite part of your job? 55:30 I would have been funny. 55:31 I would have said having an assistant, making money, 55:35 standing ovations, buying watches, flying private. 55:39 I would have made a joke about it. 55:40 This is very endearing, Bert. 55:41 This is very endearing. 55:42 Yeah, this is a good interview. 55:44 What is life missing? 55:46 I would have said, I don't know. 55:47 I just, like, I caught me off guard 55:49 and then everyone's texting me like I'll be your friend and I'm like and I'm 55:54 like I'm like and then friends texting me like dude are we are we cool I think 56:04 it's a good I think that's a really good interview I think it it seems like very 56:06 sincere it seemed like a very sincere clip you ever see Chris he got Chris 56:11 the Stefano one time yeah I've seen that he's like I'm a gay man just being 56:15 Hey, he goes, what do you do for a living? 56:17 I pound ass. 56:18 Yeah, he's like, okay. 56:21 He's also, this guy is like, 56:23 clearly he's from another part of the world, 56:26 and he has no frame of reference, I think, 56:29 for even like, I've seen him stop well-known actors, 56:33 and he's like, what do you do? 56:34 What's your name? 56:35 They're like, I'm J.Lo, and he's like, 56:38 Willem Dafoe. Yeah, Willem Dafoe. 56:41 And then he's like, which favorite part of your job? 56:42 And they're like, 56:43 Like, it's just like, it's kind of endearing 56:46 that he doesn't know, but it's also like, 56:48 he seems like way off on some of these things too. 56:51 Yeah. 56:52 Who are you? 56:53 What, people know you? 56:54 You're someone? 56:55 Yeah. 56:56 What the fuck, man? 56:57 I would fucking, I want to celebrate 57:01 Chris de Stefano for a second. 57:02 Yeah. 57:03 He is, he might be my favorite human being alive. 57:08 Nice. 57:08 He did an episode with Rachel Ray 57:11 for Something's Burning. 57:11 and you know it's so funny is like she wanted to be with a comic and I know 57:16 comics so well and I know certain types of comics and I and I feel like I'm 57:21 pretty well-versed in comics you know like how they interact with people and I 57:25 said to myself I need someone who's a little like myself who will want Rachel 57:34 to like him so like it because if if Rachel I said you know and I I would 57:40 say this to Rachel but you know Rachel's a very busy woman but there's two 57:44 types of Rachel you can get you can get a packed Rachel with a packed schedule 57:47 where she has five minutes and she'll give you 15 but it's like let's go let's 57:53 make this happen and then you get the Rachel sometimes that is like you got me 57:56 for the day and we got the Rachel that was there for the day and she was 58:00 very she was like we open a bottle of white wine but like she didn't know 58:04 Chris and Chris DiStefano is so charming so charming and that and Rachel when 58:12 when she came in you know if he's a comic so he's making jokes and you know 58:15 she's like doesn't know how to take it within one hour I swear to God Tom she 58:20 invited him him and his wife to her house in Tuscany. Chris DiStefano is so 58:25 fucking incredible. I'm not surprised he is the you're right he's the most 58:32 charming and also genuinely funny guy like I laugh every time we message each 58:39 other about 10 times a week and it's mostly I'll just be honest it's mostly 58:44 homosexual content and we do a lot of role-playing but that guy makes me laugh 58:50 so every clip that I see of him either on stage or doing a podcast I watch 58:55 because like he just he always makes me smile if not laugh so hard I think he we 59:02 I was with Yanis and I was like who do you think could start a cult like for real 59:06 and he was like oh people would follow Chris I was like yeah you're right they 59:10 would they would follow him yeah dude and I gotta I gotta also because I'm 59:16 gonna say a compliment I'm gonna backhand a compliment and then finish 59:20 compliment because my option was maybe Mark Normand and I was like Mark is not 59:26 and I love Mark and he's very charming but there's a part of Mark that the joke 59:30 is always more important than everything else yeah yeah and so I was like I can't 59:34 bring Mark and Rachel together because he's gonna like he'll be like if he 59:38 starts losing he'll start punching and I was like okay and then Mark said I 59:43 said but I want to do a I love Mark so I was like let's do an episode and he 59:46 I want to do it with Keith Robinson and I'm gonna be honest for a second. I was like, you know, Keith's had four strokes 59:52 I'm not sure that's gonna be the best 59:55 conversation dude, it was 59:58 Incredible it was and mark was so wise because he goes I want to do it with Keith Keith is like 60:04 He's gonna be great and Keith was funny and he was insightful and he and I forgot Keith's been doing stand-ups since 60:11 1985 damn he has seen everything 60:14 He has seen everyone, he knows everyone, he knows everything. 60:19 I mean, I was, it was such a great fucking episode. 60:23 That's definitely not Keith Robinson. 60:24 Well, no, there's Keith is on there too. 60:27 That is Keith. 60:29 Jesus Christ. 60:30 Yeah, there's just two Keats sometimes. 60:34 There's a couple of Keith Robinson. 60:35 Yeah, it's a, yeah. 60:36 And then I did one with the basement yard. 60:38 And the basement yard, Tom, is, it, it, 60:43 I'll say this and no one will, everyone will be like, 60:46 they're much more, they're much safer than us. 60:51 Like they definitely don't say crazy shit 60:54 that needs the camera off them and then bleeped out 60:57 to get it said to make each other laugh. 60:59 Like they're safer, but they are young 61:02 and they're not comics. 61:03 So everything they say is just to make each other laugh 61:07 and they love each other. 61:08 And it reminded me so much, 61:09 I've been listening to their episodes. 61:10 It reminded me so much of when we were in the pandemic and we started this and we weren't doing stand-up 61:15 Yeah, we were just burning any material on the podcast. Yeah 61:18 Yeah, and we and by the way, we didn't have anyone to talk to so it was just me and you 61:22 showing up once a week and that was the one person you got to see in person and 61:27 I would and I they were a great episode 61:29 But then I tried to eat like you try to get they don't they're not getting in trouble 61:33 Like they're not gonna say anything that can be clipped out and then you know fuck with their lives sure sure sure 61:40 Yeah, that's cool. 61:43 I wish I had less of that. 61:45 I wish I, fucking what is wrong with me? 61:47 That like I say things that I go, 61:49 that out of context I look like a fucking idiot, 61:52 but I'm doing it to make everyone laugh. 61:54 I'm fucking, I gotta stop. 61:56 I'm just gonna stand up. 61:57 No, you're good. 61:58 You do what you do, man. 61:59 You do it well. 61:59 I think you should keep doing what you do. 62:01 I think you should push forward 62:03 no matter what people say, you know. 62:05 And you can listen when you find a moment 62:08 that you go, I'm gonna be introspective 62:10 and if you think there's validity to what someone is saying, 62:13 whether it's from the outside or close to you, 62:15 you examine that, but I think you're on a good path, man. 62:18 I feel really good. 62:19 I've been working out every day. 62:20 I've been sick, but I've been working out 62:21 and I've been working hard 62:23 and I got a crazy run ahead of me. 62:25 Yeah, you do. 62:26 Make sure you get your rest, bro. 62:27 Get some rest. 62:28 Oh, last thing. 62:29 Have you seen the Zuckerberg Guinness video? 62:31 You're the first person I thought of. 62:33 No. 62:34 Just keep your eyes on Zuck the whole time 62:38 watch, he's gonna have a, he's gonna have a- 62:41 I was actually talking about this at dinner yesterday. 62:43 My favorite thing is I have my muse, 62:46 whose name is Euler, constantly source 62:50 increasingly obscure tease from increasingly- 62:53 What the fuck do you just do? 62:56 Wait, pay that, hang on. 62:57 He definitely doesn't like that. 62:58 He was like, what the fuck do you just do? 63:00 Well, play that again. 63:00 It's like he sucked a cock and had to swallow. 63:02 Yeah. 63:03 Oh my God, oh my God. 63:04 Look out, and then he's like, 63:10 shut what that's his that's got to be his first Guinness it has to be it's got 63:15 to be the first time he's ever had it and he's he doesn't want to he's like 63:19 this people like this he's he's also I think this is not new he's socially 63:25 awkward right socially uncomfortable as shit I will tell you I don't think so 63:30 no no I met him we were at a UFC fight and he came up and he said hi to me 63:39 and I was like, I couldn't believe he knew who I was, 63:41 but then I was like, I guess he's probably 63:42 on social media a lot, I must have come through his feed. 63:45 Yeah. 63:47 And I asked him about the watch he was wearing, 63:50 and he was very casual, very fun. 63:52 It was me, him, Theo Von and Andrew Tate, 63:54 and we all were just chit-chatting about 63:57 like little things, no, I'm kidding. 64:00 No, but he was very casual and very cool. 64:05 I introduced him to Leanne and he yeah, he was I and so what was the watch it must have been insane 64:11 Oh, it was it was a million dollar watch. Yeah, it was a million dollar watch on his wrist and by the way 64:16 I didn't care for it. Oh, you didn't I got it's one of the kinds you like where there's a lot of complications to it 64:20 And it doesn't sparkle and got it. It's got a leather band and I'm like, what do we get a shower in that fucking thing? 64:26 What are we doing? Yeah, no, I got you 64:29 I'm something you can shower in Tom what you got there. What is it? I don't even know I just threw it on 64:34 I don't even know I just sky-dweller sky-dweller nice bro. Yeah, I'm going to London and they rob you for watches over there 64:41 Maybe I gotta be fucking gotta be slick. I'll be in it out by the time this airs 64:45 You won't even know I was in London. You'll never even know I was in fucking London. Maybe I'll like I'll be like I'll be like that 64:50 Goddamn, there we go. That was me and Zuckerberg 64:59 That's so what fight was that that was do you remember who fought that night? I don't remember. I don't remember. That's awesome 65:08 Dude, that's so cool 65:10 That is cool, dude. 65:11 I'm happy for you. 65:13 Look at that. 65:15 Ha ha ha. 65:20 You realize, like, everyone would be like, 65:22 oh yeah, that's Desmond Burtman. 65:23 Like, no one's going to doubt that. 65:25 No one's doubting that that's not me. 65:27 No, it's cool. 65:28 Your hair looks good. 65:29 That's all I look at is my hair looks pretty fucking good. 65:32 That hair looks pretty good. 65:32 And you're like, it's totally a Burtman expression. 65:39 You look good, man. 65:41 All right, well, we got to wrap this up. 65:43 You got to do a bunch of stuff. 65:45 I got to get out of here. 65:47 This was fun. 65:48 I love you. 65:48 This was a great fucking episode. 65:50 I love you too. 65:50 Stay safe. 65:52 Keep your watch in your bag. 65:53 We'll see you guys next week. 65:54 Bert, Tom, Tom and Bert. 65:57 One goes top to swath, the other wears a shirt. 66:00 Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. 66:02 There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. 66:05 Here's what we call two bears, one cave. 66:18 Spotify Ads Manager makes it easy 66:20 to create your first audio ad in minutes for free sign up today launch a campaign and start reaching your audience
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