24 Practical Examples of Frame Control

In every social interaction, one person is more reactive than the other to the words and actions of the person they are communicating with.

Frame control is a topic that gets discussed Ad nauseam in hypothetical terms, in this article I'll break out of that by providing a mix of examples in pop culture, movies, and television along with personal anecdotes. Frame control is relevant to every human interaction but the most colorful examples of it come from the domains of business and seduction, I could deconstruct boundless case studies of it that are a whole lot more PG-rated, I've chosen examples that are a bit edgier so that you remember and can apply them.

As you will see there is quite a spectrum of Frame Control, and certain frame control methods should not be used in certain situations. This is not quite an area where you should just go with what feels natural. In fact, there are very few Frame Control naturals. You can find a ton of articles and books that discuss it theoretically in depth. However, if you'd like to see an infographic designed that breaks the topic down visually, let me know in the comments at the bottom. Although, honestly you may just find these examples more useful.

Men, get frame control working for you, instead of against you...

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Ignore intentionally

A lot of times the best way to control the frame is just to ignore what the other party says and continue the interaction with high energy.

Example: I walked into a party and saw my ex-girlfriend and her best friend sitting with a group. I could just ignore them, but that's not my style. We had a lot of overlap in our respective social circles, avoiding her would be a lot of work. I approached the group and sat down. I said hello to my ex and her friend then continued a conversation with someone else in the group. My ex's friend started criticizing the ostentatious style of my shoes in a caustic way. I looked her in the eyes but didn't respond to her comment.I then engaged the rest of the group and started making jokes that everyone laughed at for the next few minutes.

Two children and a ball

Here's a simple example: a little boy and a little girl are playing with a ball. The girl takes the ball from the boy and starts throwing it against the wall, having fun. The boy gets mad and wants the ball. The girl has the frame. Then the little boy takes the ball and starts bouncing it, the little girl starts crying. Now the boy has the frame.

The trial of Hank Rearden

Check out this clip from the very mediocre movie adaptation of Atlas Shrugged. In this clip Hank refuses to get drawn into a legal debate about his actions, he instead reframes it as a morality debate. If they want him to comply, they will have to make a clearly immoral display of force. To paraphrase:

If you believe you have a right to my property. Then you better bring guns.

Own the Fun Frame with silly dancing

As you can see in the video above I bring the fun frame by teaching a cute Colombian girl a few very simple silly dance moves. Owning the fun frame can be a real challenge, especially if you don't like drinking alcohol, are trying to ingratiate yourself with an existing social circle, or are a foreigner in a foreign land (all three apply to me frequently). To own the fun frame, to bring the party, you need to up the energy level and playfulness of everyone else. Sometimes I do this with silly dancing. Further on I'll explain how I approach and initiate the silly dancing while maintaining frame control.

A man hits on a provocatively dressed woman in the street

The woman exclaims, '"You are the third guy to hit on me today!" the man apologizes. The woman has the frame. Instead of apologizing the man smiles slightly and proceeds:

What I noticed about you is that you have very high heels. This makes me think you are a stripper or a high heel shoe tester? Which is it?

The woman breaks out in laughter and attempts to convince the man she is a shoe tester. The man has the frame.

Hitler vs Director of the SA

The film Hitler - The Rise of Evil, is worth a watch by any master student of frame control. About two hours into the film, we see a great frame battle between Hitler and the director of the SA. Hitler sets the frame by asking him to not speak, the director takes it back by responding but Hitler ultimately takes it back by giving him a job.

In a social situation, the person you are talking to says "I need to go..."

You respond, "OK but first I have one more thing to run past you quickly..." Then you continue chatting about whatever you want.

Accuse them of being difficult in a trivial way

Someone I'd want to go on a date with keeps giving me scheduling excuses about going out together. I respond:

Wow I usually don't have this kind of difficulty negotiating a date!

Appeal to their 3rd party credibility

Here's an email I sent to the managers of a coworking space I had a membership with:

I tested the wifi down/up today and it was 5MB/2MB, last month it was 18MB down/up... So I'm hoping that changes soon... Thanks again to you and Eddie for providing this excellent space where we can all be extraordinarily productive. If you have a particular place you would like a 5-star review or video testimonial posted for Espacio let me know...

The old you would have!

If you are trying to convince someone to do something, say: the old John (or whatever their name is) would...

Order a round of shotsDo a risky business endeavorTake a trip to Vegas

...I don't know if I like this new John.

Assumption stacking

As pickup artist Andy Yosha explains here, this is a more playful way of finding things out about people. As