This Thing Rules

Roald Dahl’s child-endangering chocolatier is one of the most beloved literary characters, turned into an iconic film character by Gene Wilder. We’ve gotten a Timothée Chalamet prequel that’s better than it should be and a Johnny Depp remake that we don’t need to talk about, but let’s unwrap this weirdo. Sure, he’s immensely problematic, but he also makes some cool candy, and he also happens to be rooted in some real world confectionary history. Intro contains clips from various films in which Willy Wonka appears.

This episode, we’re joined by our most Santa Claus-like friend, Jared Petty, to discuss the night before Christmas. Like, the actual night, not the poem. We share some of our favorite memories, traditions, weird trivia, and learn a thing or two about the less family friendly ways it’s observed in some other parts of the world. Intro contains clips from Tenacious D & Sum 41’s “Things I Want,” Bad Santa, Norah Jones’ “Caga Tio,” and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

This week we’re taking a little off the top, and tipping our hat to the age-old ceremony of lowering one’s ears. Or, in laymen’s terms, getting a haircut. We recount some of our proudest coiffures and worst folicular debacles, and lament the challenges of not knowing what to do with the stuff on top of your head as you grow older. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips from Paddington 2, “Devil’s Haircut” by Beck and “Cut The Mullet” by Wesley Willis.

Almost the weekend! Friday is technically a weekday, but it’s not like the other weekdays: it’s a COOL weekday. We discuss the origins, pop cultural significance, and our own personal feelings about this weekly light at the end of the tunnel. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips of Ice Cube’s “Friday,” Loverboy’s “Workin’ For The Weekend” and The Aquabats’ “Pizza Day”

Or wait, is it fall? Whichever, it's great, and not just because of Halloween. You know, aside from our vestigial back-to-school anxiety, rapidly approaching seasonal depression, the looming threat of bad weather, and the fact that we have no idea what time of year at any given point anyway because California barely has seasons. In any case, it’s a chance to talk about changing holiday traditions, pagan rituals and our kids’ classmates with stupid names. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips from Over The Garden Wall, “November Has Come” by Gorillaz, and The Simpsons.

This week, Max has a surprise grab bag for Brian! Will he think these things rule as much as Max does? We discuss everyone’s favorite flying rodent that isn’t a flying squirrel, gum of the chewing and blowing variety, and the thrill of getting a nice new writing implement. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips of actual bats, a Fruit Stripe Gum commercial, and Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas.

This week, Brian prepared a special surprise variety pack grab bag of things that he thinks Max might be a big fan of. Gingerbread Houses, those once-seasonal edible wiccan domiciles that have since become a year-round architectural novelty, Snaggletooth, who is one (or two) of the most iconic cantina aliens from Star Wars, and Stegosaurses. A dinosaur, that probably had feathers but almost definitely didn’t have long flowing hair like a beautiful woman or a show dog. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips from The Simpsons, Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes hit song “Mad About Me,” and a toy commercial for The Lost World action figures.

How music looks isn’t as important as how it sounds, but it certainly plays a role. This episode, we talk about our relationship with album covers, which sometimes look like the music they’re promoting, sometimes look like something else entirely, and sometimes don’t look like anything at all. Huge thanks to Patreon backer Thijis Van Sise for suggesting the topic. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips from This Is Spinal Tap, an interview with Iron Maiden cover artist Derek Riggs and Saturday Night Live.

At one point, using fire to cook stuff outside was part of daily life, but now it’s just a way of microdosing caveman life. Whether you’re using gas, charcoal, or a hot sidewalk, there’s something wonderful about preparing food outdoors, so crack open a cold one and join us as we discuss our favorite recipes, methods, anecdotes, near-disasters, and questionable tips about this great pastime. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips from Fenslerfilm’s GI Joe Porkchop Sandwiches PSA, National Lampoon’s Vacation, an Australian tourism commercial hosted by Paul Hogan, and King of the Hill.

This week, we’re delving into a very special sort of generational brain damage that we can specifically blame/thank the Reagan administration for: toy commercials! Growing up the 80s and 90s, children’s programming was practically indistinguishable from advertising, so why shouldn’t we have equal amounts of nostalgia for this particular type of bite-sized marketings? Let’s take a look back at some of the most infamous toy ads, the most famous people who popped up in them, and of course, Judge Reinhold’s Weenie Whistle. This episode’s topic was suggested by Patreon backer Matt Schottroff. Good call! It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips from Mighty Max, WWF, and GI Joe toy commercials, Vin Diesel’s infamous viral Toy Fair video, and The Santa Clause.

This episode, we tried something new and recorded on location from a restaurant in Düsseldorf, Germany. We sampled the local beer and talked about some of our adventures in Deutschland, including regional varieties of gummi candy, museums, kiosks, cities in which you can actually get around on foot, bees, yellow jackets, and other stuff. Apologies for the background noise, this was an experiment! We’ll be back to normal next episode.

This week, we’re tackling a few extremely unrelated things that rule: fire (the element), Keith David (the actor) and bread bag clips (the clips that come on bags of bread.) Why, you ask? Well, it was your idea - specifically, the suggestions of our Patreon members Mikhail Kaban, Krystal Stewart, SuperMecha, Bruce Wayne Brady and Jack Peterman. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips from a YouTube short about bread bags, The Prodigy’s “Fire (Sunrise Version),” Beavis & Butt-Head, Disney’s Gargoyles and They Live.

Comic-Con! What was once a niche gathering of outcasts has become a massive pop-culture spectacle, and even with the infusion of blockbuster media franchises, it’s still a wonderful time, whether you’re in San Diego, New York or somewhere in between. This episode, we reflect on the rise of comic book and sci-fi convention culture, our first exposure to it, some of our most bizarre adventures there since. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips from an 1972 San Diego newscast, The Simpsons, Dexter’s Laboratory and Mission Hill.

Come on in, the water’s fine! This week, we’re talking about one of the most simple, possibly primordial, occasionally deadly pleasures in life, which is traversing a body of water for recreational purposes. Y’know, swimming! It’s an essential survival skill, but also just a nice thing to do when it’s hot out, whether it’s in a pool, ocean, lake, river, pond, watering hole, crick, spigot or some combination thereof. But, that’s assuming there’s not an abundance of mud, trash, weeds, slime, or scary creatures impedling your paddling. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips from Jaws, National Lampoon’s Vacation, Anchorman and Adult Swim’s original bumpers

Concerts! One of the most expensive and exhausting ways to lose hearing and form lasting memories, this week we’re discussing our own histories seeing live music. From Brian’s countless hip-hop shows in New York City to Max’s repeated accidental patronage of Jefferson Starship, we have plenty of anecdotes. Are they more entertaining than attending an actual concert yourself? No. Is the audio quality better? Eh, debatable. Would we charge you 23 dollars for a beer? Never! It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips from Fast Times At Ridgemont High, Heavy Metal Parking Lot, Aqua Teen Hunger Force and The Simpsons.

Hot dogs, dogs, frankfurters, franks, wieners, weenies or tube steak, whatever you call these silly cylinders, they’re a good time! Whether you’re eating them in the backyard, at a ball game, on the street, or hunched over your kitchen sink, stupid dudes like us would have starved to death ages ago without their questionable sustenance. Join us as we discuss some regional varieties, questionable practices, fan theories, controversial opinions, and a classic column from The Onion that was definitely not penned by Christopher Walken. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips from Led Zeppelin’s “Hot Dog,” an Oscar Meyer commercial, The Irishman and Superbad.

Last week we talked about our love of trucks that have ice cream inside, and this week… we’re talking about all the other kinds! But hold on, what’s a truck? A pickup? A steamroller? The Power Loader from Aliens? What we lack in expertise or first-hand experience, we make up for with an appreciation of wheeled wonders that also sometimes have big tank treads. Little trucks, big trucks, old trucks, expensive trucks, monster trucks, and other modern dinosaurs of the road, whatever they are, we love them! It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips from a Tonka commercial, Sisqo’s “The Thong Song,” Over The Top and various truck sounds.

Easily the most beloved vehicles exclusively designed for selling dessert on the street, ice cream trucks are a staple of childhood, a beloved tradition, a lucrative side-hustle and a pretty hilarious human invention. Brian has prepared a short presentation on ice cream trucks, but not ice cream bikes or ice cream boats, as well as some of the better delicacies served by them. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips of an ice cream truck, The Simpsons, Hey Arnold, a Popsicle commercial and "Ice Cream" by Raekwon.

Ya-hooooo! Mountain Dew! This week, we’re joined by good friend, esteemed colleague, and X-treme Dew-ficionado Seth Macy to talk about the history of a highly caffeinated, neon yellow soft drink. From its bootleg backwoods origins to its role as a pseudo-sports drink, to a staple of nerdy all-nighters, we have some fond memories slamming various flavors of Dew - and there have been a lot over the years. It’s probably worth noting that this episode is in no way sponsored, paid for, endorsed, encouraged, or officially recognized in any way by Mountain Dew or PepsiCo. You can find more of Seth Macy on Instagram @sethgmacy or on Tiktok @major_beeflord, where he regularly posts some very entertaining content, Mountain Dew-related and otherwise. Intro contains clips from Mountain Dew commercials from the 1960s and 1990s, a 1996 Dungeons & Dragons sketch from Dan Harmon’s comedy troupe Dead Alewives (better known as “Summoner Geeks,” thanks to an easter egg from the Volition PlayStation 2 game), “The Rare Auld Mountain Dew” performed by The Dubliners and Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.

This week, it’s a bit of a grab bag. A grab bag full of beach sand, cinnamon rolls and sharp objects! This week, we’re a bit fried, so we’re trying shaking things up and doing scatterbrained variety pack episode on sandcastles, one of the most fun things you can legally do with a bucket, breakfast pastries, those glorious desserts of the ante meridiem, and pocket knives, a timeless must-have accessory of handymen, ne’er-do-wells, and wannabe tough guys the world over. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips from Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the You Already Knew That, a culturally insensitive Pillsbury Toaster Strudel commercial and Season 5, Episode 8 of The Simpsons.

You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy (and quaint charm) than a dive bar. But what makes a good dive bar, aside from underwhelming decor and moderately-whelming beverages at an equally moderate price? Let’s discuss the charms of the American pub, tavern, watering hole and/or dank pit. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips from The Simpsons, Hot Fuzz, The World’s End and Star Wars: A New Hope.

Oh boy! The original portable gaming device may not exactly fit into most pockets, but it sure found a warm and cozy place in the hearts of countless gamers, from young children to important Tetris-addict businessmen. We take a look back at Nintendo’s original grey, AA-battery devouring brick, and its place not just as an important part of our childhoods and gaming history, but as a landmark piece of technology that was way ahead of its time. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips from a Game Boy, classic Game Boy commercials and King of the Hill

Whether you’re crying, hungover, a spy, a Terminator, trying to see if aliens are running society, or if it’s just really bright out, sunglasses are a must-have item. This episode, we don our rose tinted glasses of nostalgia (which are prescription, making everything in hindsight 20/20) and look back at the history of light-blocking eyewear. From the earliest iterations in the 12th century made of whalebone and geodes, up through modern marvels like BluBlockers, Pit Vipers and the immortal Ray-Ban dynasty, there are a lot of cool kinds of eyewear to, y’know, make you look COOL. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips from Cory Hart’s “Sunglasses at Night,” They Live, the BluBlockers rap, and the original Mortal Kombat movie.

Of all the stuff human beings have figured out, the ability to travel by air is definitely one of the most impressive. Even more impressive, this stunning achievement has become such a ubiquitous form of travel that it’s actually a little boring! But let’s take a moment to appreciate just how cool it is that flying machines exist, but that we’re allowed to go on them as long as we briefly take our shoes off before we get on board and don’t tamper with the smoke detectors in the lavatories. If anyone’s curious, the book Max got his Wright brothers trivia is “Made in America” by Bill Bryson, and it’s full of all sorts of delightful trivia. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips of an ancient newsreel, The Simpsons, and Airplane!

Not just part of a complete breakfast, but a complete breakfast in and of itself, the quintessential blue collar morning meal is an American staple to rival the noble cheeseburger… But what makes a good breakfast sandwich? Eggs, cheese, some kind of meat, stuck between some sort of complex carbohydrate. Surely no one could screw that up, right? Well, you’d think so. Join us as we discuss the merits of various mystery meat, from the controversially named Taylor Ham/Pork Roll to its weird Amish cousin, Scrapple, and our personal do’s, don’t’s, tips, tricks, and misadventures with this sumptuous morning delicacy. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips of Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem, and Superbad.