Have you ever caught yourself being too much of something? Too positive. Too excited. Too much in control. Too cautious. Too guarded. Maybe you're the one with the best clothes, the expensive brands. Maybe you're always the life of the party. Or maybe you find yourself drinking, shopping, or working way more than you really need to. These are what I call overcompensating behaviors, and we all do them—myself included. My People-Pleasing Prison For most of my life, I was a chronic people pleaser. I didn't see it as overcompensation at the time. I saw it as being good—someone who followed the rules, someone who was accepted in society for doing exactly what was expected. I was the person everyone said was "so easy to work with." In my photography business days, clients would constantly tell me how much they loved working with me because I never caused problems, never pushed back, never made things difficult. It felt good to hear. It also became my prison. When I finally did the deeper work to understand why I was chronically trying to please everybody, why I was so conflict-averse, I discovered the truth: I was seeking validation from everyone around me. I had created this belief that when I behaved this way, I would get the recognition I deserved, the acceptance I craved, the validation I desperately sought. But here's what I learned: underneath every overcompensating behavior is something we're trying to cover up. The Masks We Wear Think of overcompensation like painting over cracks in the wall. The wall looks perfect, but the crack is still there, waiting to be exposed. The Eternally Positive Person might actually be saying, "If I smile big enough, I won't feel the pain I'm trying to avoid." Sometimes that relentless cheeriness is a way to keep sadness at bay. The Life of the Party might be so afraid to share their true feelings or sit in silence long enough for real emotions to surface. It's easier to be the outgoing, robust person all the time than to deal with what comes up in the quiet moments. The Control Enthusiast often fears the unknown or what could go wrong. If they control every situation, they know how it's going to go. But that need for control might mask a deep fear of imperfection, of not being appreciated or validated if things don't go exactly right. You see how it's all connected? The Sneaky Coping Mechanisms Society has taught us to suppress our emotions, but we weren't put here on this earth to do that. We were meant to feel them, express them, process them, and let them go. When we hold on or suppress our true feelings, sneaky coping mechanisms creep into our behavior—and we don't even realize it. Sarcasm was mine. I couldn't have straight-up conflicts with people. I couldn't directly express my feelings. So sarcasm became my outlet. I thought it was cheeky and cool, but really, I was avoiding feeling and saying what I truly meant. The Deep Questions Here's what I want you to consider: What would happen if you allowed yourself to feel instead of covering it up, hiding it, and layering it with overcompensating behavior? Before you say, "I don't have anything like that," I invite you—I plead with you—to think about it. If for just a moment you took off that mask you've been wearing in front of people, who are you? What if you could say to yourself, not even to the world yet, just to yourself: * "I'm sad today" * "I feel insecure" * "I've been playing the victim here" * "I'm really lonely" Sit with that feeling for a moment and see what comes up. Because when you allow yourself to feel, you will be able to heal. The Signals We're Getting Look around. What do people always tell you? "You're always so organized." "You're always so perfect." "You're always so nice." "You're always so easy to work with." These consistent observations from others can be signals. They might point to areas where you're overcompensating. Now that I've acknowledged my people-pleasing behavior, challenged it, and healed from it, I understand there are times when I need to be open and honest with clients and in relationships. I don't need to always be nice. Maybe I don't hear "you're so easy to work with" as often anymore, but I'm aware that I don't have to be easy to work with. It's nice when it feels aligned, but if it feels misaligned, I'm allowed to speak up. Overcompensation is a Signal, Not a Solution Understanding overcompensation is like seeing a flashing light that says, "Look here—something deeper needs attention." When you give yourself permission to dig into that feeling instead of painting over it with a pretty picture, that's where real work begins. That's where real healing begins. Underneath the mask is a version of you that doesn't need to be protected, covered up, or hidden. The Practice: Removing the Mask Being you in your truest, most authentic sense involves understanding who you are. It requires peeling back the layers and dealing with these coping skills and behaviors that we've built into our
