What if what we call high standards in our kids, and quietly admire in ourselves, is actually something much more painful underneath?
This episode takes on a question that hits closer to home than most parents want to admit: have I been confusing high standards with something more punishing, in my kids and in myself? I'm joined by Professor Thomas Curran, social psychologist at the London School of Economics and author of The Perfection Trap: Embracing the Power of Good Enough, whose research has reframed how a generation of psychologists, parents, and young people understand what perfectionism actually is. We get into why rates are climbing, why perfectionism is so often misread (as drive, as work ethic, as the humble brag we've all been trained to admire), and what it actually looks like to help your kid aim high without paying the hidden price.
What you'll learn:
Why perfectionism is shame, not standards. The deficit thinking underneath it ("how much less than I appear to others") and why what reads as procrastination, withdrawal, or "not trying" in your kid may actually be perfectionism, protecting them from a shame they can't put words to. (You can't fail at something you didn't try.)
The myth that perfectionism produces success. The research, the burnout, the self-handicapping that hold perfectionists back, plus why the culture keeps rewarding it anyway: the job interview humble brag, the curated social feed, schools that prize over-achievement, and a narrowing economy that has parents pushing harder than they want to.
What helps at home. Calibrating expectations so your child isn't permanently on tiptoes, decoupling love from accomplishment, modeling making mistakes (and forgiving yourself), the difference between perfectionism and conscientiousness, and how to foster a love of learning that outlasts any one grade.
Understanding what perfectionism is helps us stop misreading our kids, soften the pressure we're passing on without meaning to, and protect the part of childhood where trying things and getting them wrong is still part of the joy.
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