S3 | Session 4: Building a Positive Cycle from the Fear of Disappointment

Leading up to this week's session, we have established a new foundation of vulnerability and we tackle one of the biggest challenges in their relationship: Mike's family. For Rachel, the family dynamic is an environment where she feels constantly pushed to the side. But for Mike, stepping out of line with his parents triggers a profound, physical alarm response in his nervous system. In this episode, we dive deep into the agonizing tension Mike feels being wedged between his wife and his family, and how the intense fear of disappointing others drives his avoidance.

By staying grounded in his body instead of escaping into his head to "fix" the problem, Mike is able to show Rachel his true emotional state. He admits that his avoidance isn't a lack of care, but a desperate attempt to regulate his own overwhelming fear. The moment he shares this vulnerability, everything changes. Rachel doesn't feel abandoned; she feels safe and co-regulated. Together, they take their first steps out of their negative loop and begin building a new, positive cycle.

This Week's Homework: Think about the word disappointment. What actually happens in your body when you know you have to let someone down? Do you rush to over explain? Do you agree to things you don't wanna do? Or do you just avoid the conversation entirely? Notice your own strategies for managing your fear of disappointing others and ask yourself, what is this avoidance costing my primary relationship? And if you want more structured homework, please visit my website at thesecurerelationship.com.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast
• Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.